I know this is a very sensitive subject for moms, so please know I do not judge anyone for whether or not they decide to breastfeed. It certainly is not for everyone, and more importantly, I know some people try so hard to do it and for one reason or another just aren’t able to.

For something that is supposed to be so natural, WHY is it SO difficult?! I’m not talking about physically, although that is certainly not easy. I am talking about the mind games you constantly play when you have a baby who is not sleeping or seems unsettled. Is it something you ate? Is your milk supply not big enough? Is your let down too fast?

After having Katie I met with a lactation consultant to go over the basics of nursing. While I was there, my mom asked her if something you eat can truly affect your breastmilk enough to upset a baby. I’ll never forget her response, “there is no scientific or medical proof that it does, but I believe a mom if she tells me when she eats a certain something she notices a change in her baby”. Well a few weeks after Katie was born she began to have silent reflux. I, along with google, diagnosed her. She would wake up out of a sound sleep, cough down spit up and then get the hiccups, which would make her upset and keep her up. Because of this and the advice of our pediatrician, I decided to go dairy-free. I ended up doing it for 5 months because I thought it helped. Did it really though? I have no idea. It may have been that she was getting older and her digestive system was maturing or maybe she never had silent reflux in the first place. At 5 months I slowly introduced dairy again and she was fine. I continued breastfeeding her until she was 9 months old. That is when I felt my supply just could not meet her demand… and I was tired. Strangely enough, I only produce milk on one side. I have no idea why, but a doctor once told me as long as a baby is gaining weight, they are getting what they need and not to worry. The problem with that is, she was getting enough but I was having to feed her constantly. I’m talking every 2-3 hours even at 9 months old.

I now have 6 month old Jake who is a GREAT eater and has been from the start. He latches on no problem, eats super-fast and hasn’t physically assaulted my boobs too bad in the process. The problem is he has bad eczema and at 2 months started having trouble sleeping. He seems like he is meant to be this smiley happy baby, because I see that so often in him, but SOMETHING is upsetting him. I’ve cut out eggs, dairy, tomatoes, and most recently wine. The wine thing is killer! I’ve only ever had a glass (or two) if he wasn’t due to eat for a while. I know the alcohol content isn’t getting to him at all, but it seems he is MISERABLE on those nights. I heard someone say (on a reality show – Ladies of London) they couldn’t have white wine while nursing because it made their milk sour. Could this be the case?! Yes, I am now taking advice from reality shows! ANYWAY, I think his skin looks better since cutting those things out and his sleep has improved. He is now in his crib from 7-7 with two wakeups. There are still some nights, in fact there have been multiple this week, that he gets up 3 or 4 times. However, the fact he’s been in his crib for a month now I’ll take as a win. Again, I only produce milk on one side and he is a big boy who likes to eat, so I’m afraid I will never get a full night sleep while nursing.

The exhaustion, loss of yummy foods like pizza and ice cream, and constant mind games are all so difficult, yet I’m not ready to make the switch to formula. I absolutely love how close I feel to him while nursing. I love how he LOVES it. I love that I can comfort him immediately and then he’ll fall asleep in my arms. I love that our family photographer captured a side profile picture of both of my kids as infants because she knows that is the face I see when I look down at them while nursing. I am writing this because I want other moms to know you are not alone in all of the doubt/questions/struggles you face while breastfeeding. If you add up the time I’ve been doing it, it’s been almost a year and a half and I STILL question things. I’ll end this here… because Jake is ready to eat.

Katie 9 days old   Jake 7 days old

Photo Credit: Renee Walston Photography in Plymouth, MA

www.reneewalstonphotography.com